The Beam of Wood: How to Focus Inward in Therapy
Who benefits from you being in therapy?
Have you ever had someone in your life (a spouse, relative, in-law, friend, co-worker, child etc) whom you were concerned about and muttered to yourself or maybe verbalized to another party, “They really need to see a therapist”?
What is the motive for saying that? Usually it is because you may notice some maladaptive, problematic or even disturbing trait or state about the person that manifests in their moods, attitudes, behaviors and interactions with others. You may genuinely be concerned about how they are doing and feel compassion for them. You may want to see them suffer less and thrive more. You may also have a preconceived notion about how therapy works and think that if this person just goes and talks to someone, they will be easier to deal with because therapy will “fix them”. People sometimes assume that the person who “needs therapy” will be forthcoming about their “parts” and issues in therapy—and as a therapist—I can tell you that is not always the case! Lastly, you may want others to go to therapy because it is easier to point out the brokenness in others than it is to sit with and tend to your own brokenness.
Some clients don’t attend therapy to work on their own beam of wood—they utilize it to process the splinters they notice about others. And this is not productive! There is a popular Gospel passage that reads,
3. “Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye? 4. Or how do you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ and look, there’s a beam of wood in your own eye? 5. Hypocrite! First take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5 CSB)
Even if you don’t particularly use the Bible as your guide to living, I hope that you can see the usefulness of this interpersonal wisdom. If you notice, a beam of wood is larger than a splinter! Could this mean that there is often times significant blockage in the way when we are processing our hurts? Is the bigger issue how we are seeing things (or failing to see things)? Is the complaint we have against others small in size compared to the work we need to tend to within ourselves? Just some food for thought.
Therapy is most effective when you approach it with a greater focus on your own internal world, your parts and your body. This however does not negate or minimize your feelings and any wounds you’ve sustained due to boundary violations or the ways others sin against or move against you. The beauty is in learning to care for yourself first and then processing what is going on with others with greater perspective.
So here is a question for you to ponder….
Who benefits from you being in therapy?
Put yourself in the shoes of those who love you and whom you love and/or interact with. Think about your spouse/partner, young children or adult children, friends, co-workers, employees, in-laws etc. Who in your life might be hoping you are doing the work to heal? Who in your life is affected when you spend your therapy hour focusing on the splinters of others more than on your own beam of wood? What relationships will improve when you get curious about what is in your own eye and lead yourself better? And although you may be faithful in attendance to therapy, are you successfully un-blending from your defenses in such a way that your interpersonal relationships are improving?
Consider these Steps:
Tell the story of what happened, but don’t allow storytelling to consume your therapy hour. Storytelling can be an easy entry point for defense mechanisms and protector parts to distract the work. (This is The Naming Step)
Name how the experience impacted you—including what emotions are coming up, what is happening in your body, what parts are activated, what parts need to step back and give you space, and how you are needing to care for yourself. Focus on how your perspective might need to be reframed and acknowledge where you might not be seeing things clearly. You can even name ways you contributed to the conflict or tension, if that applies. This is where the bulk of the therapy hour is best spent. (This is The Beam of Wood step)
Once you have fully named all the parts, you now have greater access to your Adult Self/Core Self/Imago Dei and can now name more accurately and wisely what is going on with the other person. (The Splinter Step)
Therapy is great place to make sense of and mend the wounds from how others treat us—but remember, the therapist is very limited in what they can do for a person who is not in treatment—our job is to work with YOU and all of your parts!
Bring me your beam of wood and let’s use it to build the fire where we can unburden your wounds and grievances caused by the Splinters of others.
