Defense Mechanisms in Therapy
“Defensiveness is the enemy of empathy”—Unknown
Are you defensive?
Has anyone ever told you that you are defensive? Do you consider yourself a defensive person? Do you find yourself expending great amounts of emotional energy protecting yourself against being misunderstood, having your feelings hurt, feeling shame, or being undervalued?
Do you fear rejection? What about constructive criticism—do you have a low capacity for that?
If you answered yes to any of these, keep reading. But if you answered no—definitely keep reading—because the truth is, having defenses is something we all have and even reading this article might activate a defensive part of you.
What are Defense Mechanisms?
Defense mechanisms (DMs) are psychological and behavioral maneuvers that originate from the limbic system of the brain (the system responsible for big emotions like fear and also fight and flight) and are used to protect from pain, vulnerability, exposure and overwhelming emotions and sensations. DMs can ensure actual or pseudo-safety. What might that mean? Well, sometimes, we actually need to be protected from something that can be harmful or threatening to our physical or psychological wellbeing, but there are other times when we wrongly perceive that we are threatened. When we perceive incorrectly, we end up defending against threats that are over-hyped or not evident at all.
DMs can be used so much, that they start to shape our personalities and define our relationships. And most importantly, they can block out the many gifts life has to offer us, including the gift of healing that often manifests in therapy.
How are defenses triggered?
The most important reason behind defensiveness if FEAR—and nothing triggers fear in us more than relationship dynamics. We need something to soothe our fears!
Cue in the defenses!
Defenses are unique to relationships and interpersonal domains of life. In other words, PEOPLE bring out our defenses. That includes spouses, friends, colleagues, family, and people we don’t even know on social media. But this resource is going to focus on one unique relationship—and that is with the therapist.
Therapy is a setting that can definitely bring up pain, overwhelming feelings, and sensations—so it makes sense that therapy is also a setting where defense mechanisms would be in abundance. Therapy is a space where you are witnessed, known, seen, and heard. Therapy is also a space where you are gaining skills to learn to be in touch with discomfort. Although these are beneficial experiences, you have some protective parts of your inner world that only see risk. These parts of you need to be understood, so that you can set the appropriate internal boundaries. Here are some common ways DMs become activated:
a previous session was intense and you anticipate the therapist wants to pick the work up where you left off
the therapist is getting closer to a core wound or pain point
you are engaged in an experiential method like EMDR, IFS, formational prayer, ego state work
a difficult or strong emotion is rising up out of the abyss of your heart
the therapist reminds you of someone who you have had conflict with
you felt challenged by something the therapist recommended you try
you don’t like the pace and direction the therapist is moving in
the question(s) the therapist asked are hard to answer
you are “reading” something about the therapist that feels threatening
the therapist’s personality
you are tired, hungry, sick, or in pain
you are actively in a crisis in your life or just recently encountered significant stress days/hours before the session
Now that you have an idea of what tends to activate DMs, let’s look at how DMs show up in the interpersonal setting of therapy.
Common defense mechanisms in therapy:
Denial
Defiance
Analyzing
Minimizing
Lying
Joking/Laughing/Smiling
Sarcasm
Worrying/Ruminating/Preoccupation
Vagueness
Excuses
Saying “I don’t know” excessively
Changing the Subject/Dodging questions
Not talking/Talking too much
Storytelling and giving unimportant details (i.e. rabbit holes)
Dumping
Not listening
Spacing out/Distractibility
Criticizing/Accusing/Blaming
Irritability/Agitation/Rudeness
Hostility & Rage
Highly Disagreeable/Argumentative
Recoiling (getting close to truth and then moving back)
Perfectionism (needing therapy to be perfect)
Pleasing the therapist/Compliance
Helplessness and victim mantras
Whining and complaining
Somatization (getting sick before appointments)
Keep in mind, this is not an exhaustive list and these mechanisms are not a means to shame you. They are parts that take over your self-leadership and do not reflect all of who you are. But if these parts are showing up in therapy, we need to get curious about why and help get you back into your Spirit-led self.
Here are some questions to help you attend to your inner world and get more curious about your particular defense mechanisms in therapy:
How can defense mechanisms get in the way of the healing process?
If unaddressed, how can my defense mechanisms affect the therapeutic relationship?
How am I feeling leading up to my therapy appointment?
Did my therapist and I work on something last session, that I am not looking forward to revisiting?
What target issue have I agreed to work on with my therapist, that I am now avoiding?
Am I willing to track the moment-to-moment interactions in therapy to determine if I am utilizing a DM?
Which DMs am I most likely to use?
What feelings or issues am I not comfortable exploring in therapy?
Am I open to my therapist bringing my attention to a defense mechanism in session?
If my therapist empathically points out a defense mechanism, how am I likely to respond?
**For those with a faith identity—How can I invite the Holy Spirit into my particular defense?
Remember, the enemy of your soul has no interest in your healing. He wants you blocked so that the Light of Christ cannot enter and penetrate the wounds you carry. The solution is to bring your whole self to the therapy space and to speak truthfully about the inner self.
“6. Surely you desire integrity in the inner self, and you teach me wisdom deep within.” (Psalm 51:6)
Answering these questions honestly can really increase your self-awareness and give you insight into areas where you may want to make some adjustments. Talk to your therapist about what you are learning about your defense mechanisms and also, get curious about how these may show up in other relationships in your life.
Shalom!
